I have a doctorate in Awesome from the University of Awesome in Flagstaff. After my dual undergraduate degrees in Social Psychology and Psycho-sociology at Far Away College, I went on to earn an MBA (Master's of Beat-down Ass-kickin') from an exclusive school I like to call "the streets".
I took some time off to feed starving children in Botswana to other starving children in nearby Mozambique. This greatly increased my ability to dominate the conversation at parties with tear-jerking anecdotes (e.g. when I saw the look in that hungry child's eyes as he had his arm ripped from his body and put into the gaping mouth of the other child, I knew it was all worth it.), as well as justify any morally questionable actions in which I choose to engage by saying to any challenges to my ethics with: "Oh yeah? Well, I fed starving children in Africa."
Finally, when I got bored with being so morally superior to everyone around me, I applied and was accepted to the doctorate program at the University of Awesome, where I proceeded to not only graduate with a 4.0 average, but also to have several professors seriously offer their jobs to me, saying that I was far more qualified than they to teach. During the graduation ceremony at which I was the keynote speaker, the dean of the school shook my hand heartily and declared that, without reservation, I was the best student the school had ever witnessed.
Incidentally, I also graduated with a minor. It was Humility.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Sunday, April 25, 2010
It could happen to you!
Have you ever been listening to your favorite soft rock station with the kids injecting their arms with polypropylenes in the backseat and you hear about a limited time offer so amazing that you just can't believe?
You grab your phone from the glove compartment (in the process, hit multiple pedestrians) and dial the numbers, and the operator just sounds like a real sweetheart who confirms that things are in fact as spectacular as the paid spokesperson said they would be. You eagerly give your credit card number over the phone, failing to notice your youngest child writing it down as you say it. Later, he will use it for starting capital to finance his new small business of black market baby selling.
You can hardly wait for it to come, and six to eight weeks later, the package comes! You rip it open with abandon and it is everything you thought it'd be. Finally, that which was missing from your life has arrived and you can finally accomplish all those things that you gave up on long ago.
Later that night, you suffer an aneurism in your sleep and your cold body is discovered by your kids in the morning when they try to wake you up to make breakfast. They eat their weights in cake instead of having a nutritious, balanced breakfast before calling for someone to take your corpse away.
The lesson is: Order expedited shipping.
You grab your phone from the glove compartment (in the process, hit multiple pedestrians) and dial the numbers, and the operator just sounds like a real sweetheart who confirms that things are in fact as spectacular as the paid spokesperson said they would be. You eagerly give your credit card number over the phone, failing to notice your youngest child writing it down as you say it. Later, he will use it for starting capital to finance his new small business of black market baby selling.
You can hardly wait for it to come, and six to eight weeks later, the package comes! You rip it open with abandon and it is everything you thought it'd be. Finally, that which was missing from your life has arrived and you can finally accomplish all those things that you gave up on long ago.
Later that night, you suffer an aneurism in your sleep and your cold body is discovered by your kids in the morning when they try to wake you up to make breakfast. They eat their weights in cake instead of having a nutritious, balanced breakfast before calling for someone to take your corpse away.
The lesson is: Order expedited shipping.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Keeping your baby safe
It's a dangerous world, full of baby-snatching black marketeers and purse snatchers with poor eyesight. Your baby is in danger at ever second of the day or night, and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it.
Johanson and Johanson, a subsidary of Donimatric inc., is proud to present the new Baby Cage™.
Baby Cage™- never wonder where your baby is again.
Baby Cage™- never have your baby bother you while working.
Baby Cage™- 100 square inches of room for your baby to play.
Baby Cage™- put your baby in a cage.
Available in Baby Blue, Baby Pink, and the original Dungeon Grey.
Baby Cage™
Johanson and Johanson, a subsidary of Donimatric inc., is proud to present the new Baby Cage™.
Baby Cage™- never wonder where your baby is again.
Baby Cage™- never have your baby bother you while working.
Baby Cage™- 100 square inches of room for your baby to play.
Baby Cage™- put your baby in a cage.
Available in Baby Blue, Baby Pink, and the original Dungeon Grey.
Baby Cage™
Sunday, March 21, 2010
American Airlines: We know why you fly, but choose to ignore it
It's been a wonderful week off from school and blogging. I flew to New York to visit my brother.
These were the wonderful happening that I enjoyed on the way there. My first flight was from Austin to Chicago, then to LaGuardia.
Flight 1- A child in front of me knocking against the seat, shaking my laptop screen, also asked annoying questions to his mother and keeping the window open. Meanwhile, children across the aisle quiet, but the mother constantly and arbitrarily opened the window, no doubt with the intention of slowly blinding all peripheral vision in my right eye.
Flight 2- We were delayed before taking off with lots of mechanical problems, something involving Newark (gag). I had a "Get Shorty" flashback as I pictured my plane crashing on takeoff, did a little praying, and heard a dog bark from on board. Periodically, there was irregular loud beeping- I suspect it had something to do with being near the flight attendant station. I have honestly never been more afraid on a flight before, though once we got going, I became calm again because it’s a well known truism that a plane will only crash because of mechanical difficulties within the first 5 minutes of a flight.
All in all, American Airlines gets my coveted "I would only fly them again if I had no other choice" award.
These were the wonderful happening that I enjoyed on the way there. My first flight was from Austin to Chicago, then to LaGuardia.
Flight 1- A child in front of me knocking against the seat, shaking my laptop screen, also asked annoying questions to his mother and keeping the window open. Meanwhile, children across the aisle quiet, but the mother constantly and arbitrarily opened the window, no doubt with the intention of slowly blinding all peripheral vision in my right eye.
Flight 2- We were delayed before taking off with lots of mechanical problems, something involving Newark (gag). I had a "Get Shorty" flashback as I pictured my plane crashing on takeoff, did a little praying, and heard a dog bark from on board. Periodically, there was irregular loud beeping- I suspect it had something to do with being near the flight attendant station. I have honestly never been more afraid on a flight before, though once we got going, I became calm again because it’s a well known truism that a plane will only crash because of mechanical difficulties within the first 5 minutes of a flight.
All in all, American Airlines gets my coveted "I would only fly them again if I had no other choice" award.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Media Worth Destroying- Sister Act 2
Sister Act is, alongside Jumpin' Jack Flash, Whoopi Goldberg's best film (even considering this).
Sister Act is a classic culture clash film with some hopping beats, nice story progression, and ranks among the best nun-related movies of all time. Granted, this is not a well-traversed sub-genre.
Sister Act 2 is, on the other hand, yet another To Sir With Love/Blackboard Jungle remake. That is to say, the inspirational-teacher movie. To make a conservative estimate, there is about 40 bajillion inspirational-teacher movies. With a plot that is the same every time, it's difficult to mess up.
That is what makes it so remarkable that Sister Act 2 sucks so very much. Even the worst of the genre is incredibly mediocre, but to see characters I had grown to love twisted into such a convoluted plot and placed next to a plethora of archetypal "bad kids".
See this movie only when the alternative is death. Maybe not even then.
Sister Act is a classic culture clash film with some hopping beats, nice story progression, and ranks among the best nun-related movies of all time. Granted, this is not a well-traversed sub-genre.
Sister Act 2 is, on the other hand, yet another To Sir With Love/Blackboard Jungle remake. That is to say, the inspirational-teacher movie. To make a conservative estimate, there is about 40 bajillion inspirational-teacher movies. With a plot that is the same every time, it's difficult to mess up.
That is what makes it so remarkable that Sister Act 2 sucks so very much. Even the worst of the genre is incredibly mediocre, but to see characters I had grown to love twisted into such a convoluted plot and placed next to a plethora of archetypal "bad kids".
See this movie only when the alternative is death. Maybe not even then.
NASCAR is not a sports league
NASCAR is not a sports league; racing cars is not a sport. Sports are a contest between multiple persons to see which can best the others by putting the ball in the right place or by getting to a location first using physical strength and dexterity.
"But, Ben!" Some may protest, "Driving in a car for extended periods of time requires the ability to sustain high temperatures for extended periods and can be quite exhausting." These protestations are often made by the couch-dwelling peoples of Leisure Land.
To these, I reply that although the ability to withstand external forces is an admirable feat, it is also the primary skill involved in training for space flight and for David Blaine-esque magickery. Since we do not consider the latter two sports, I conjecture that car racing is not a sport either.
You may also take note that there is no Olympic race car competition, and that even the most talented race car driver would almost certainly lose when using an inferior car to a less talented driver in a specialized racing vehicle.
Racing may be a pleasant diversion from your life of otherwise limited speed, but it does not constitute a sport.
"But, Ben!" Some may protest, "Driving in a car for extended periods of time requires the ability to sustain high temperatures for extended periods and can be quite exhausting." These protestations are often made by the couch-dwelling peoples of Leisure Land.
To these, I reply that although the ability to withstand external forces is an admirable feat, it is also the primary skill involved in training for space flight and for David Blaine-esque magickery. Since we do not consider the latter two sports, I conjecture that car racing is not a sport either.
You may also take note that there is no Olympic race car competition, and that even the most talented race car driver would almost certainly lose when using an inferior car to a less talented driver in a specialized racing vehicle.
Racing may be a pleasant diversion from your life of otherwise limited speed, but it does not constitute a sport.
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