Zombies are bad at math

Have you ever given a zombie a calculus problem? Of course not! Why? Because zombies are bad at math. You'd never go to a brain-eating monster for help in your statistics course. A zombie wouldn't have the slightest idea how to find the hypotenuse of a right triangle; only a great fool would ask one how many sides a hexagon has.

And don't even get me started on algebra. If you walk up to a zombie and ask him to factor a polynomial, he'll look at you like you're out of your mind, and then shortly try to get your mind out of you.

Zombies are good for a few things. If you want some human brains eaten, zombies are the way to go. If you're looking for a fast way to spread a virus that will wipe out human civilization, you can't do better than a zombie plague. Heck, zombies are even good for fueling the plots for any number of movie and television franchises. But if you're in the market for something do some arithmetic, look somewhere else.

What does it mean to be objective?

You know what's really annoying? People who answer their own questions in writing. You know what else? Subjectivity. Subjectivity (named for the Roman philosopher Subjectavius) was formed out of a desire for the patricians of the Roman Empire to receive their news in a way that didn't include all the stuff they didn't want to hear about. Roman Phalanxes, the news-bearing section of the Roman army, learned quickly that if they only told about the victories and left out the defeats, the powers-that-be back home were a lot more willing to send them back with their pockets heavier with gold and their bellies heavier with festive feast fare.

Soon enough, civilian news organizations began to get in on the game, distributing as many versions of the news as they could find a market for. At the height of the trend, a Roman family could receive a newspaper declaring their loved one's victory over the lion in the Colosseum, mere moments after said loved one has been ripped to shreds upon the lion's gnashing maw.

Since this early history, subjectivity in journalism has been the mainstay, with media catering to every set of political, religious and ethnic opinions being produced across the world. Subjectivity isn't always as obvious as it once was; some media pieces can seem very fair to the untrained eye and still be rife with bias.

But all is not lost in this subjective world we live in. In recent years, there has been a growing movement to reclaim objectivity, to say to the world, "I'm going to tell you what's what without telling you what I want you to hear." This humble and magnificent blog is just one soldier (but probably like an admiral, at least) in the fight to restore the truth as it should stand: objective.

-Benjamin Miller


Any facts contained within this article are inadvertent and should be disregarded. The author apologizes for these mistakes.